Dealing With Adultery

Published: 09th April 2010
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Copyright (c) 2010 The Exhortation Life and Business Coaching Service

Adultery is the most serious offence in a marriage because it breaks the trust and union (oneness) between a husband and his wife. It is the height of marital selfishness, an absolutely wicked atrocity, and a very serious sin against God. When you commit adultery in your marriage, you are basically telling your spouse to "go to hell", and directly telling your children, family members, friends, congregation and God that they are not as important as your accomplice. Your adultery will scar your children for life, even more than the rugged road to divorce, which could finally break them.

The impact of adultery is so severe on children that it is akin to parental abuse, neglect and abandonment. A lifelong regrettable act, adultery insults and disowns everyone that truly cares about you and your family. When your spouse commits adultery, it is no one's place to tell you what to do. So I will only be sharing strategies that we have used to help others to recover from this malicious act. First and foremost, though, I will reiterate that unless the husband and wife are strongly willing to put in the time and effort to make their marriage work, the marriage will eventually stalemate.

A marriage that has been rocked by adultery will require a lot of time and effort from both the husband and wife to rebuild. It must be rebuilt and not mended as generally indicated. Mending is the act of putting broken pieces together, while rebuilding gives you the opportunity to start afresh. Mending requires you to put the same pieces together, while rebuilding gives you the opportunity to introduce new pieces, and even a totally different structure altogether. This is why we have created a three-step program to help victims and perpetrators of adultery recover from the impact - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Our program has both intense and relaxing components, with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual exercises designed to energize your body, enlighten your mind, and enrich your soul. Here is a recap, which should help you in your honourable desire to "still make your marriage work". Friend, heaven applauds you for still willing to make it work!

Three Proven Steps of Recovering from Adultery

1. Process of Healing:

If your spouse committed adultery, remorse on his or her part is absolutely required to heal the marriage, while absolute forgiveness on your part is equally crucial. There is no recovery and healing without remorse and forgiveness. This requires time and effort - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Moreover, both of you cannot undergo the Healing Process on your own; you require the help of an experienced marriage counsellor and coach whose programs have strong spiritual flavours. If your spouse is not truly sorry for committing adultery and/or you have not truly forgiven your spouse, then you have a marital deadlock.

In the Healing Process, which could last a long time, we tactfully engage the couple in dialogues that are structured to strategically extract forgiveness and remorsefulness from the deepest part of their hearts.

2. Process of Rebuilding:

At some point of the Healing Process, we will introduce the Rebuilding Process, with an objective to help the couple fall in love with each other again. While the Rebuilding Process helps to solidify the Healing Process, the effectiveness of the Rebuilding Process depends on the success of the Healing Process. Lots of time and effort is further required from both of you to overcome the inestimable impact of adultery in your marriage, with a strong focus on getting to know, trust and love each other all over again. Fun is key in this component.

This is where both of you start going out on dates together, while consistently performing activities to build companionship, support and intimacy. As the victim of adultery, it would likely be hard at first, for you would still have some mental struggles with the fact that the person sitting in front of you recently "stabbed you in the back"; however, we exhort you to persist in this Rebuilding Process with an open mind. For then and only then would you be able to see beyond the associated emotional injury to the remorseful heart of your spouse.

As the perpetrator, you should be working "overtime" to regain the trust of your spouse. Make every effort to consistently inject passion, harmony and growth into your marriage, and help your spouse to become more comfortable with you. Read books about how to energize your marriage. Hire a coach if you need some directions. Attend seminars, join marriage groups, pray continuously, and remain humble forever.

3. Process of Protecting:

In this step, we work with both the victim and perpetrator of adultery to avoid situations and the biased rationale for adultery. The Protecting Process deals with the root causes of adultery, and institute S.M.A.R.T. measures to protect the couple from adulterous thoughts, deeds and situations.

As the victim, and without even trying to justify the despicable act of your spouse, it is always beneficial to ask yourself what you could have done to help him or her maintain focus on the marriage. With humility, you should find out what were the primary characteristics in the accomplice that attracted your spouse in the first place. Often enough, it is encouragement rather than beauty, acknowledgment rather than status, mutual passion rather than wealth, vulnerability rather that courage. Pitiably, we can often deliver what our spouse find attractive in other people, but ignorantly choose not to, or completely oblivious to their marital stimulants.

As the perpetrator, through dialogue and careful observation, we would help you determine how to maintain a consistent, growing focus, and to stay away from tempting situations. Perhaps, you may need to change job, social group, gym and even congregation in order to avoid encounters with your accomplice altogether.

Ask yourself what you should start doing to help your spouse with his or her challenges? Does he or she desire more quality time with you, more lovemaking, more encouragement, more engagement, more growth, or probably, less nagging? Adultery could often be avoided if spouses take the time to look attractive for one another, wear what please each other, reduce their body weight, and make effort to grow intellectually.

Whether you choose to remain in the marriage or not, make sure that you pursue emotional healing to avoid carrying a detrimental "emotional baggage" with you into another relationship. You must learn to trust again, to respect even more, and to get rid of your anger, bitterness and resentment without dismissing the need to move on with your life. Sometimes, a person choosing to leave our life is what we need to live our life. Either way, we are here to help.


The greatest hurt in a marriage is adultery? What is adultery and what are the impacts in a marriage? Upon adultery, is there still hope for the marriage? For more, visit

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